MOVED.

Well the layout for this is fucked, so I've moved to http://justmydirtylittlesecrets.blogspot.com

Follow me there.

It's been a while.

Why? Because of my addiction to Tumblr.
I'm completely obsessed with it, but I never really share my thoughts and express my feelings and daily occurings like I used to do here. I guess I miss it, oh - and the only reason I'm really here is because Tumblr is down.

I guess I have a lot on my mind right now. I feel like I'm failing at school, and I need to try harder - I know I do. I just can't seem to get into it. To actually sitting down and studying properly. I hate myself for that, that I have no motivation or anything. I need to do well enough to get into university at the end of this year. I have to, I know that.

I have a lot happening at the end of the year.

October is filled with the beginning of the HSC (Final exams) and carries through to November.

Mid-end of November is my Year 12 senior FORMAL! Now I'm excited for that.

And then there's Schoolies at the end of November through to the beginning of December, which is like this annual thing that occurs in November for a week where graduated students holiday with their friends. My friends and I (16 of us, actually) are going up the state to Foster, and renting out this 4.5 star hotel! And it's actually pretty cheap at $300. I'm looking forward to relaxing with my friends.

December 21st brings my 18th birthday, which is a big thing here in Australia - not sure about the rest of the world.

So there's a lot happening, and then there's university, and a whole world out there to explore.

Excitement. Nerves. Fear. Expectation. Wonder.

Experiencing all that right now.

The people killer.

Insecurities. They're evil. They're inevitable. They're painful.

A feeling of general unease where you perceive yourself to be unloved, inadequate and worthless. You have no faith in yourself, who you are and who you could be. You constantly pick at every single "flaw" about yourself. You feel alone. You feel pointless. You feel ugly. Constant cyclical thoughts run in your head, over and over and over again. I'm not pretty enough. Why can't I be smart enough? I'm just not talented enough. I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

What we don't seem to realize, and this is the media's fault for putting such a high standard when it comes to women and people in general, is that nobody is perfect. Life sucks that way. We just don't see the good stuff in life because we're so focused on fixing the bad stuff, or complaining about the bad stuff.

We don't realize we're meant to be imperfect. We're meant to find someone who loves us unconditionally, who can love our flaws and accept us for who we are. We're meant to be put down, and feel self conscious and hate ourselves. But we're also meant to have faith in the unknown, faith in the ones who love us, and most of all - faith in ourselves.

I want to say I appreciate my amazing family. I appreciate my friends, who get me through. And I appreciate myself, for putting up with shit and pushing through.

God doesn't give you people you want.
Instead, he gives you people you need.
To teach you.
To hurt you.
To love you.
And to make you the person you were meant to be.

prettyful.

You should visit.

My TUMBLR blog!

It's a lot easier than Blogger, and has many functions. Although complex in the beginning, and sometimes a little messy, I really enjoy the simplicity of going 'Hey I feel like posting a quote.. Click quote!' and 'it's time to share some music with the world' And you simply press the button.

I love it, a lot. I'm keeping Blogger, too. Just wanted to share this.

Peyton Sawyer's wise words.

At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one.

maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed
maybe they're supposed to run wild
until they find someone just as wild to run with

good girls are just bad girls
who don't get caught

Fearless; a memory.

FEARLESS

''FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid.
To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them.
To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.
FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before.
FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen.
FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want all over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost.
It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change.
FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them.
I think it's FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for the things they'll never stop doing, I think it's FEARLESS to stop believing them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry," and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright, that's FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS."

— Taylor Swift




So Meredith (@GypsyRose92) and I went to the Taylor Swift concert last night - and I have to say, it was pretty freakin' amazing, surprisingly. I mean, despite the kinda el-cheapo sets and the fact that I WANTED TO BE IN THE CROWD WHEN SHE WAS HUGGING THEM ALL, there were hardly any technical difficulties, she was a real sweetheart and very teeny boppy and happy. And not only that, she was inspiring.

So some people may think she's putting this all on, that she's a bitch, but aren't we all? We've all got our bad sides. Point is, this girl loves to inspire us young girls, she's a good role model and really, she's been where we have. So why shouldn't she be praised? At least she's not telling us to go get drunk and party hard and do drugs and have sex with every guy you see. So really, if you're gonna have an opinion - fair enough. But don't judge, because really - you have no right. Anyway, I'm not gonna go being some saint angel here, and telling y'all what to do. Just putting my opinion forward :)

Point is, I really enjoyed it. Mez and I ended up picking up the little paper hearts that were blown out above the entire audience during 'Today was a Fairytale' (Promoting Valentine's Day - which I can't wait to see)! We stayed back so late, shoving them in our handbags, that we were sent out. LMAO. We're crazy people! We had good seats throughout the performance; we were, what, ten-fifteen metres away from her? It was crazy!

And my fave songs of the night? - 'You belong with me' (Because I can't get it outta my head), 'The Way I loved you' (Because it's way too catchy not to be a fave), 'Teardrops on my Guitar' (Because this song was THE original Taylor Swift song, before I'd heard of her, or knew her, and it related to my situation 100%), 'Should've said no' (Because of the awesome rain on the stage effect with 'No's' in it!), 'Love story' (Because of the awesome 19th century dancing, and the amazing set effects). And there's probably more.

So whilst some of this experience is cheesy (Hey, I love cheesy), it was also fun, and amazing, and inspiring, and something I'll never forget.

P.S.: I looked at Taylor Swift last night, and all I could think is SHE KISSED TAYLOR LAUTNER. Bitch.

Great Taylor Swift fansite: Taylor Swift Love

You were born an original, don't die a copy.

There's one thing a quote does that nothing and no one else can do... it can become a part of you. You may never meet the person who said it but that person is now a companion. Quotes help you get over pain, feel love, make you smile and laugh, and helps you through those though tough days when you think that no one knows what you're going through.

''Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind..''

DOOF DOOF DOOF

Okay, so I felt like listening to techno all day, right? And this song was repeated God knows how many times. I was in the car with Mum, and she hates music these days, and this song really annoyed her, and I loved it.

I rolled the windows, like the old days with my sister, and pumped it up as loud as Mum could tolerate, which wasn't really enough for me, but good enough. It's things like this that makes me feel happy, that make me smile!

I think people should do what makes them happy. Never forget that.

One Step at a Time..

So I found a necklace my dad had given me a year or so ago. It's the most beautiful necklace I own... but I found it all tangled up into a massive ball. And it was a thin, golden chain, too. So you could imagine just how tangled it was, and how frustrated I was.

But I started untangling it slowly, after my frustrated first attempt, I realized that untangling a necklace is a metaphor for most things in life. Take it one step at a time, and you'll reach your destination. If you try and jump the queue, you're really just letting the smaller problems only become larger, and really you can't jump that far ahead. But taking it one step at a time.. being patient..

Its like all things in life. You try and work out a big problem, and if you do it too quick, without working out every detail, you just fail and give up.. because you can't be bothered fixing it up slowly, etc. Kind of thing. Okay, it's midnight, and I'm half asleep. Anyway...

Unravel things one by one, and you'll get there. Don't give up.

Twenty10..

So, since 2010 is this "big revolution" or something, I have a few things I want it to bring me. Ciao 2009! Hola, 2010.

• An ATAR mark of 90+ Please? I'll be SO ECSTATIC!
• Motivation to complete assessment tasks and homework way before it's "On time"..
• Meet Taylor Lautner / Josh Hartnett and fall in love with him, and that he falls in love with me, and we live happily ever after.
• A great, epic, FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC Eclipse - Yes the movie! I've been waiting.. since the 19th of November for the release of this movie, maybe longer.
• Love. Can you help me fall in love? I know it sounds stupid, and it probably is. But hey, a girl can dream, right?
• Be discovered as a great actress so I can be famous, make great movies, and not have to complete my HSC.
• Time. I just want this year to go slow, because I feel like the past few years have sped past me and I'm feeling a little old. Even though I'm only seventeen.
• My P's. Oh please oh please oh please let me pass my driving test!
• Something new.. something beautiful.. Surprise me.

Once upon a time...

I don't know why, and I think this is weird, but sometimes I daydream about living back in the early 20th century.. you know, the 1940s and 50s.. Things were a little tougher back then, but they were nicer. There was room to think and be free and it was fresh and it was innocent. These days we're just so consumed by technology and drugs and fads and.. I never see many people walk these days. The park is almost always empty. Sometimes I go down there and I think.. I daydream.. I wonder. But it's like, nobody cares anymore. And to be honest, the devestating wars may be over, and technology has helped save lives, too.. compared to back in the day. But what about saving our imagination? Saving our innocence? These days.. things are far worse than back then. But that's just my opinion..

I think I started thinking about this more seriously when I watched part of Pearl Harbour the other day. Men were more.. gentleman-ly.. Women's clothes were just so pretty.. Then again, I know it was really tough for them at that time as well. I'm not doubting that. i just would have liked to experience those days, that's all. I guess I can only wonder...

P.S.: Might I add that Josh Hartnett is HOT. New man-crush.

Driving...

It's something I should have done a year ago, but I was too lazy. I was scared, and I thought I wouldn't like it. So before I turned seventeen, I decided to get my Learner's license. Drove a few days after Christmas, thinking you know, I'll hate it. I loved it. So much so that I haven't stopped begging mum or dad to take me for a drive. So far, neither of them have been in the car when I've been, driving, except when i drove down the end of the street with mum today.. literally, like.. twenty metres? She's shit scared of the idea of me driving.

My uncle's been teaching me. And my brother's taken me a few times. I love love love driving! Everybody says I'm toooo confident. Gee, not my problem! I just love it! But today, I was nervous for the first time because I drove on a multi-laned main road, and that was a little freaky. Having people tail-gate you, people walking across the road, buses coming, traffic lights going red at the last moment.. and just the environment of having so many cars and things to think about. But it was fu-u-un!

That's one thing I learnt this summer. How to drive. Something I'll never forget...

Welcome to the world, Gabriella!

So last week, I became an aunty to my second niece! Gabriella! She's absolutely gorgeous, and her big sister Shadae loves her to bits! You should see the way she doesn't let anybody touch her. So protective, it's cute!

Gabriella has dark brown, almost ashy, hair, big blue eyes, big lips, and she's so gentle and fragile. When Shadae was born, she looked like a boy, and gripped your finger so hard! And she's an Aries, which explains her fiesty personality. Gabriella's a capricorn, and she's beyond placid.

Cute!

This is me, Hello 2010.

I'm the one on the left. Then it's Shelly (@Asianated). Meredith took this photo!

Okay, here's the deal. I'm Tiana, I'm seventeen, and my middle name is 'Crazy'. No actually, it's just Jessica.. plain, plain Jessica. But though I have a plain middle name, and sort of a plain life.. I try to be as crazy and whack as possible, hopefully lighting it all up.

So while everybody was, like, making resolutions and crap, and being excited cos "2010 is a fresh start! It's your big year, Tiana!" I was like, totally bored out of my brains. Seriously. I was talking, rambling, about something when it shifted from 2009 tp 2010, a few moments into the New Year I was like ... "Oh, New year already?" So it didn't start off with a bang. I mean, while everybody else was out having fun, partying, I stayed home like some hermit, and spent it with my parents, and their friends. SO MUCH FUN!

But, I had fun, sort of. I just chatted to my bro and his girlfriend all night, it was fun. Then I smack bang fell dead on the bed. I was so tired.. from just sitting around, more like lazing around, and eating a hell of a lot of junk food...

So my sister had her second child on Wednesday! It's my second niece people! Gabriella. Boy, is she gorgeous. Can't wait to upload pictures of her!

And, here I am. Looking at the rest of my holidays as doing about 500 assignments, loads of school work in other words, and preparing for my final year of highschool. This is fuh-reaky.I just want to spend this summer beaching it, and having fun! But nooo, I gotta adult up and study hard.

Okay, 2010. This is what you have in store for me.

- My HSC.. Oh let me die now.

- Turning 18

- Finishing school FOREVER..

-Hopefully getting my P's (The second level of getting a license to drive) And not still be stuck on my L's..

- What else you got, Huh?

Lets see, the above are expected. Right? So, 2010, give me some unexpected stuff. Some good stuff. Please?

K, thanks.

tianaaaa.